On being nice

Speaking as someone with 30+ years experience getting what she wants by being nice, I will admit that I'm predisposed to agreeing with a lot of what this article on niceness has to say, particularly the part about it not being enough to tell someone you want something (in whatever tone you choose), you also have to show them how doing it will benefit them. Because, while I do have a lot of faith in humanity, I also know the role self-interest plays in our world--and I know, even personally, that I'll be a lot quicker to do someone a favor if that favor also helps me out in some way. (Because I'm nice but I'm not that nice. :))

And from my own experience with others trying to get me to do what they want, I'll say that, all else being equal, I'm far more likely to respond to the kindness-and-reason approach than I am to the yelling-and-abuse approach. (Of course all else never is equal, and there are always other factors in play, but in theory.)

If someone is angry about something I am doing, I do need to know, but I respond very poorly to being vented at directly. That could be me, of course; I can be sensitive in that way. However, if you've been nice and I've ignored you, please feel free to raise your voice a bit. I have kids, I know how this works. :)

What I'd also like to add, though, is that I think there's a difference between approaching an individual directly about an issue--writing a letter addressing particular issues to a comic company, for example--and talking about it in one's own blog or other informal place on the web. If I want someone to do something for me, and I'm planning to ask them to do it, I'll be polite. If I'm talking with friends about why I want this done for me, or if I'm working out exactly how I feel about an issue, I might be a little grumpier. Which is fine. It's also true that other folks might see what I wrote in an informal setting and have that in mind if and when I communicate with them more formally. That's also fine--if I have a good point, it will stand regardless. It's okay to be mad, and it's okay to express it. And that's actually useful information for others--that people are angry about whatever--but that doesn't have to be the main point of it, and that's usually clear from the context and/or the forum used, you know?